


hear you say it, hear you drink it

by galacticdrift (Ancalime)



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Confessions, First Kiss, M/M, post ep 93
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:28:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22541776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ancalime/pseuds/galacticdrift
Summary: "What Nott said yesterday was unkind. And more importantly, untrue.""What do you mean, what Nott said?" It's a defensive reflex more than a genuine question, and Fjord can tell Cad, as usual, sees right through it and him both.Post-ep for 93 -- Caduceus knows when something isn't a joke, even if others may laugh; Fjord flips the script.
Relationships: Caduceus Clay/Fjord
Comments: 27
Kudos: 363





	hear you say it, hear you drink it

When they return to the Xhorhaus, Fjord finds himself rattling around, at loose ends, while Caleb and Nott collect up the components needed for another attempt at the body-changing spell and Jester has dragged Beau off for a private conference, Yasha giving them their space but trailing silent in their wake. Fjord's in the kitchen, aimlessly staring out into the yard, when Caduceus finds him.

"Hi, Caduceus. Looking for something?"

Cad shakes his head. He looks...concerned? Uncertain? There's a crease between his brows, and he keeps shifting his weight.

"Looking for you, actually. Care to join me on the roof for some tea?"

"I knew it. I summoned you by thinking about making tea." Fjord tilts his head in Cad's direction with a crooked smile. "I would love some, thank you."

Cad fills the kettle and sets it to heat. Silence is rarely uncomfortable between them, but Fjord still feels a vague sense of guilt for not starting up a conversation.

"You were looking for me? Was there something you wanted to tell me?"

"It can wait until we're upstairs."

Fjord hums in acknowledgement and the silence returns, until the whistle of the kettle prompts them to climb the tower to the rooftop garden. As Caduceus sets tea to steep, Fjord sits on the cushions and blankets arranged near the shelter of the tree-trunk. Caduceus kneels near him, close enough to touch.

"So?" Fjord raises his eyebrows, waiting, expectant but not afraid. Whatever it is, he trusts that it can't be that bad if Cad isn't more spooked.

"What Nott said yesterday was unkind. And more importantly, untrue."

"What do you mean, what Nott said?" It's a defensive reflex more than a genuine question, and Fjord can tell Cad, as usual, sees right through it and him both.

"None of us liked you better _before_ we really got to know you. The real you." Cad pauses. "Well. I can't speak for Nott herself. But nor can she speak for me, or for the rest of the group. You know that, right?"

There's a lump in Fjord's throat, and all his words are trapped behind it. He nods, clears his throat. Let's a few words escape. "I know."

"I won't make excuses for Nott's sense of humor, if that's what was going on there. But I wanted to make sure it was clear that, at least for me, getting to know you better during our travels, seeing the things you've done and the choices you've made and the ways you've grown-- It's been-- uh. It's been one of the very best parts of, of all of this."

Fjord blinks, warmth blooming in his ribcage. "...thank you, Caduceus. I'm-- that really means a lot to me. It's not like I'm not used to-- how Nott is, sometimes, but I won't deny that one stung."

"Mmm. I noticed you were a little subdued after that. I thought she might have hit a sore spot. It's important to me, that-- that you know _you're_...important...to me." Cad shuts his mouth abruptly and turns away to pour them both cups of tea, fingers brushing Fjord's as he passes one over. The lights in the tree branches sway above them in the slight breeze, back and forth.

"While we're on the subject. You know I feel the same way, right? Obviously we'd all be dead ten times over without you, but for myself specifically-- even aside from the fact that my life has been immeasurably changed for the better simply by knowing you. I deeply value your friendship and company. You're important to me, too."

"Thank you." Ears flicking back and forth, Cad lets out a small pleased huff, and takes a sip of his tea.

Fjord follows suit, and then switches his cup to his off hand to grasp Cad's forearm and give it a gentle squeeze. "We're going to save your home. I swear to you. We got a little sidetracked by this hag business, but we're going to the Menagerie next to do what you need to do, and then-- to the Grove, or wherever else you need."

"Thank you." Cad ducks his head, his mouth opening and closing before he works out what else he's going to say. His hand settles over Fjord's, and he won't look up. "I'm worried about seeing my family again. At the Menagerie."

At first it seems like he's going to leave it at that. Fjord prods, a little. "How come?"

"I-- have so many questions, and so many fears about the possible answers. I don't know which of my family members might be there. Or which of them might be-- I don't know what happened, why they-- why would they be waiting for me there, but wouldn't, or couldn't, find a way to send a message? I don't know what will happen when I meet them. If I meet them, if they're still there. What they'll say, what they'll do. What they'll want _me_ to do."

"What are you afraid of them asking you to do?"

"I worry they'll try to pressure me into either returning to the Grove with them, or giving them the crystals so _they_ can take them back to the Grove and restore it. But-- I don't want to stop traveling with everyone, and I-- it's-- it's _my_ quest." Cad's voice goes plaintive, almost whining, and Fjord can't help but crack a small smile. "I want to be the one to see it through."

"Then don't give them the crystals, and don't leave with them. Easy as that." Fjord slides his hand down to wrap around the base of Cad's palm, squeezing the meat of his thumb. "Stay with us instead, and we'll be with you wherever your quest takes you."

Cad bites his lip, then nods, slow and deliberate, but he still won't look up.

"I said it to Beau and I'll say it to you: _fuck_ your family if they make you unhappy, or pressure you to do anything you don't want to do. If you don't want to leave, we won't let you go. We'll do whatever we need to do. If there are any members of your family I can offer to fight for you, just-- say the word, and I'll do it. We all will."

It's enough to draw a soft chuckle from Caduceus, and Fjord counts it as a victory. He cocks his head, affecting a thoughtful, regretful tone.

"Even if you did want to leave -- you'd break Jester's heart, you know that. She'd be sending you messages every night asking how you were doing and telling you where we were," he puts on an approximation of Jester's accent, "just in case, you know, you wanted to come find us again."

"Of course. I could never do that to Jester." They both know they're both joking, and both not.

"So there you have it. You'll just have to keep traveling with us."

"I suppose that settles it." Cad shakes his head, smiling. "And here I thought _I_ was going to be the one doing the reassuring in this conversation."

"You did, though, and I appreciate it. And-- thank you, for opening up to me and sharing your fears," Fjord says, serious, before giving in to the impulse to tease, just a little. "That was a lot of words all at once, coming from you."

Caduceus finally looks at him; there's a small smile on his face, shy and tentative and hopeful. "Some things call for more words than others. And I've recently realized that perhaps I should...not keep so much to myself. Be more...upfront."

An odd way for Caduceus to phrase it, Fjord has a split-second to think, before he remembers his own words and his eyes go wide.

"You-- _Me_ \--?" He gapes at Caduceus, who nods. "I thought you might not have been interested in-- well, in _anyone_ that way, frankly."

Caduceus shakes his head. "There's not a lot of opportunity for it, when everyone in your life is either related to you or shows up deeply grieving a loved one."

"No, I...suppose not." Fjord cocks his head, his brows drawing together and upward. He reaches out, his hand hovering for a moment, then runs his fingers along a lock of hair and tucks it behind the velvet softness of Cad's ear. "You know me, better than _anyone_. You've seen the shittiest and stupidest things I've done, and you still--? I can't help but think you deserve someone...better. More worthy of you."

Cad regards him with an exceedingly flat expression, though his eyes gleam with gentle humor. "Fjord, I know you can have trouble with your memory sometimes, but I hope you haven't _already_ forgotten that about five minutes ago we both sat here, each telling the other their importance to us."

"Yes, well. Point taken." Fjord's jaw works, his tusks pressing into his upper lip. "You know, I-- when I said that. The thing about my preferences. Being upfront. I won't pretend I haven't caught on that there's...more to you than you've really let on. Which is part of why I'm so glad you're willing to confide in me more. But...I was thinking of you anyway, when I said it. About what it's like, talking to you."

Fjord laughs, soft and warm. "How _offended_ you were at the spider's web of technical not-untruths we got from Trent Ikithon."

"I don't want to think about him right now." It's unbearably endearing, the face Cad makes, his nose wrinkling and mouth curling with distaste.

"All right. But still -- you were the one on my mind."

"Yeah?" Biting his lip, Cad looks at him, his mouth quirked in a nervous smile. "So you--? _Me?_ "

"Yeah," Fjord says, and scratches at the back of his neck, looking away as his cheeks flush. "You."

"Can I-- kiss you?" Cad sounds breathless. "I want to kiss you."

"Please," Fjord blurts out immediately, swallowing hard as he leans in, not even waiting for Caduceus to move first.

They collide a little off center and Fjord tilts his head to adjust. His hand slides along Cad's arm to curl around his elbow, and Cad's drifts up to cup his jaw. His lips are soft, a little chapped from their travels, and Fjord tastes the tea they've both been drinking. He presses in, enough to be encouraging, but lets Caduceus set the pace. When he draws back, Fjord lets him go without chasing after his lips. No matter how much he wants to.

He opens his eyes and sees Caduceus, flushed, lips parted, a breath away. Shifting closer, Fjord presses his lips to Cad's cheek and murmurs into his ear. "So? Was that to your liking?"

" _Yes_." Cad says, sounding strangled. "Can I--?"

Fjord closes the distance and kisses him again before he's even finished asking. This time he lets his tongue flick out to tease along Cad's lips and the soft skin where they join up to his broad nose. Cad's lips part further on a soft noise of pleasure and Fjord feels him mouthing at one of his tusks. They're still a little uneven, not quite fully grown out from where he used to file them down, but it's something he's never felt before. He pulls back, shaky and breathing hard.

"Fjord? Did I do something--?"

"No, I'm-- it's just--" Fjord scrubs at his eyes with one hand, then closes them and gently presses his forehead against Cad's, rocking back and forth. He laughs, wild and choked and breathless. "I've never-- I've been filing my tusks down for so long. I never-- never knew what it was like to have them and kiss someone."

"Oh." Caduceus runs a hand over his head, carding through his hair and drawing lines along his scalp.

"It's just--" Fjord fists his hands in Cad's shirt. "Different. It's a lot."

"Do you like it?"

" _Yes_ ," Fjord whispers.

"Then kiss me again."

**Author's Note:**

> > You hear how my voice always becomes yr voice. I think the truth is that I've always wanted to hear you say it, hear you drink it into— fill my bones, give me a tall glass of water of myself, you know?—Ecstatic union? Do you believe in that?
> 
> \- Anaïs Duplan


End file.
